Monday, October 25, 2010

Girl, get over it.

I have been thinking on my situation. I live where I have lived my whole life, apart from nine months in England. I live with my family and share a room with my sister. I take two online classes so there is not much outside of my family to be had and the one class I do have, with actual real live people, ends this week. I somewhat chose this, but a part of me wonders,

“What the heck am I doing here?”

I love my family, I love this town, I love my friends, I love my church but in all my questioning I have found one answer. I asked God to take me where he wants me to be so that I may glorify him in it. He brought me here.

My answer, “Be in this one place where I have put you”

So far, since June I mean, I have done a pretty bad job of it. I have had petty arguments, emotional breakdowns, thoughts leading to depression, sadness for no reason. I have rejected my Father, hurt my family with no explanation or apology for my behavior, and sought nothing but my own self-gain. Overall, I have not obeyed what God has called me to in my life, in this moment. To love, to be loved, to minister, to be ministered to, and ultimately to glorify Him in everything…

People are what he has given me. A great gift for sure but at times I cannot see beyond my desires, my dreams, my stuff, other people’s stuff, my own self-preservation has been at the forefront of my mind. I can indeed say it is on the forefront of 6 billion other minds as well. The world has told us that we must live for ourselves, survival of the fittest and all that crap. But when I go to Wal-Mart and see all the things around me one thing sticks out, it is the people.

There is a reason that God gave people souls and minds, and an ability to create and desire more and why he did not give all those things to a rabbit or a flower. He created us and he freakin’ loves us and he will take care of us.

So I say to myself, do not worry about tomorrow, or where you are going, or what you are doing but look toward God and ask him who do you want me to love, who do you want me to serve, His answer is simple. Care for those hurting, those who are widows, those orphans. Care for those who are right next to you with a story in their mind and hurt in their heart.

Who cares if I have to share a room and that I do not have room to think or room for my creative outlet... that is a load of crap. Really though, my sister is in that room with me for a reason and if I cannot respond to her and see past myself, then I really do not know why I am here.
I know Jesus would have shared a room with anyone and he would have had a party and celebrated and loved that person.

These thoughts were spurred by other thoughts that I had a week ago today. The following are my week old thoughts.

I just had this very odd feeling, like I did not belong where I was

We are just six people living in a house, functioning separately in different bodies

We are all here for the very same reason… maybe we just don’t know it

We all go to sleep at different times, wake in the morning at different times

We all grow in different ways, at a different pace.

We all look different.
Hair in different places
Bigger nose. Smaller feet.

We all sound different.
Can we sing?
Can we dance?

We all move different

But for some reason God smushed us all together

For Fighting
For Loving
In peace
In hate
For kissing
For talking

For giving.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Monday, October 18, 2010


God be a part of this
Be a part of this chilled cold soul
This tired soul
This cracked and withered soul

God be a part of this
Be a part of this dream of mine
This little hope of mine
This longing revelation

God take away this
Take away these furrowed brows
These tired eyes
Take away all of MINE

God make this
Make this day a gentle day
A lasting day
Make this day so it can just be

God be in this
In this Gentleness
In this Patience
In this Knowledge

God know this
This love
This guilt
This heart in me

Be a part of this soul, this dream, this body, this hurting, this love, this heart, this guilt, this forgiveness, this virtue, this day.


Saturday, October 9, 2010


The House from Rigoletto

I was just minutes ago out in the garage. I found what made me want me to sing when I was a little girl, the soundtrack to the 1993 film Rigoletto. I am listening to it right now for the first time in years.

My grandma was a saint, she was constantly ordering these movies from this company Feature Films for Families to give us something “wholesome to watch”. I think I heard here say,

“What goes in comes out.” So this was her way of remedying us of all the junk we watched on cable television. Some of the films were cheesy, some overly dramatic, but this one was my favorite.

“Rigoletto” seems to be a somewhat”Beauty and the Beast”-type story line. The music even at times sounds like the score from that classic Disney film. Plus Beauty and the Beast just happens to be my favorite. The tag line is…

“A musical fantasy ringing with truth and filled with mystery and love.”

You must watch it because I am not telling you anything else than what I have already told you.

This movie reminds me of how God usually finds us… broken, incomplete, unhappy, unloved, but He tends not to care. Where ever we are he does not care He just love us. This still amazes me.

And, it reminds me of my grandma. Our times spent together were precious. She loved this movie, saw that I loved this movie and gave me the soundtrack and encouraged me to sing no matter what.
She encouraged me in everything.

Oh my. Well, I have many things to do. This music just snuck it's way back into my life and I must say, I like it here.