No words...

I am cold. It is November. Kansas cannot decide to give us the cold shoulder, to light our own fires in the neglected fire place or keep flirting its warm afternoons without shame.

I sit here in the dining room, with the remnant of cold-once-piping hot coffee at my side. The printer handing me notes from five months ago, cold as well, not warm like you would get from a copy machine. You could say I am neglecting my Anatomy paper and I would say that is undoubtedly true but there are things to be said other than how your skeletal system works with your digestive system.

I have been struggling with my thoughts lately. I have even been tempted to follow a road in which I have been before and will only lead to hurt and more hurt. To be honest I even started down that road once or twice only to be yanked out again. I have beaten myself down simply by not reminding myself of some great truths in life.

TOO much is on my mind. Thoughts of people fill my mind, facebook dwells so easily on my computer that I am burdened by the weight of 421 other people’s updates on life, and I simply do not need that, no one does. School burdens me with its ghost-like importance in my life. It is here but it is somewhat unwelcome and very frightening. And on and on it goes with all the information coming in and taking over. I am consumed in my thoughts and that is a dangerous life to lead.

I attempted to express this to my dear friend today, and she reminded me of this. That God in all of his complexity and greatness, and in all of my attempts to achieve and my success at failing, he loves.

God loves .

He loves without fail
He loves without prejudice
He loves without thought
He simply loves.

This is a powerful, extreme and tremendous love that flows from the hands of our Father.

This is my thought. That this love drudges up all of what is going on in my head and sticks it in a fiery inferno lake of lava and burns all those thoughts into nothingness. He purifies with his love.

God’s love overcomes all. And that is what I am thankful for.

I want to dance in this ocean of love because I know that He is what brings me peace and contentment.

Girl, get over it.

I have been thinking on my situation. I live where I have lived my whole life, apart from nine months in England. I live with my family and share a room with my sister. I take two online classes so there is not much outside of my family to be had and the one class I do have, with actual real live people, ends this week. I somewhat chose this, but a part of me wonders,

“What the heck am I doing here?”

I love my family, I love this town, I love my friends, I love my church but in all my questioning I have found one answer. I asked God to take me where he wants me to be so that I may glorify him in it. He brought me here.

My answer, “Be in this one place where I have put you”

So far, since June I mean, I have done a pretty bad job of it. I have had petty arguments, emotional breakdowns, thoughts leading to depression, sadness for no reason. I have rejected my Father, hurt my family with no explanation or apology for my behavior, and sought nothing but my own self-gain. Overall, I have not obeyed what God has called me to in my life, in this moment. To love, to be loved, to minister, to be ministered to, and ultimately to glorify Him in everything…

People are what he has given me. A great gift for sure but at times I cannot see beyond my desires, my dreams, my stuff, other people’s stuff, my own self-preservation has been at the forefront of my mind. I can indeed say it is on the forefront of 6 billion other minds as well. The world has told us that we must live for ourselves, survival of the fittest and all that crap. But when I go to Wal-Mart and see all the things around me one thing sticks out, it is the people.

There is a reason that God gave people souls and minds, and an ability to create and desire more and why he did not give all those things to a rabbit or a flower. He created us and he freakin’ loves us and he will take care of us.

So I say to myself, do not worry about tomorrow, or where you are going, or what you are doing but look toward God and ask him who do you want me to love, who do you want me to serve, His answer is simple. Care for those hurting, those who are widows, those orphans. Care for those who are right next to you with a story in their mind and hurt in their heart.

Who cares if I have to share a room and that I do not have room to think or room for my creative outlet... that is a load of crap. Really though, my sister is in that room with me for a reason and if I cannot respond to her and see past myself, then I really do not know why I am here.
I know Jesus would have shared a room with anyone and he would have had a party and celebrated and loved that person.

These thoughts were spurred by other thoughts that I had a week ago today. The following are my week old thoughts.


I just had this very odd feeling, like I did not belong where I was

We are just six people living in a house, functioning separately in different bodies

We are all here for the very same reason… maybe we just don’t know it

We all go to sleep at different times, wake in the morning at different times

We all grow in different ways, at a different pace.

We all look different.
Hair in different places
Bigger nose. Smaller feet.

We all sound different.
Can we sing?
Can we dance?

We all move different

But for some reason God smushed us all together

For Fighting
For Loving
In peace
In hate
For kissing
For talking

For giving.

THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IS THE ONE IN FRONT OF YOU. millard fuller

Hum.

God be a part of this
Be a part of this chilled cold soul
This tired soul
This cracked and withered soul

God be a part of this
Be a part of this dream of mine
This little hope of mine
This longing revelation

God take away this
Take away these furrowed brows
These tired eyes
Take away all of MINE

God make this
Make this day a gentle day
A lasting day
Make this day so it can just be

God be in this
In this Gentleness
In this Patience
In this Knowledge

God know this
This love
This guilt
This heart in me

Be a part of this soul, this dream, this body, this hurting, this love, this heart, this guilt, this forgiveness, this virtue, this day.

sssshhhh.

Found...

The House from Rigoletto

I was just minutes ago out in the garage. I found what made me want me to sing when I was a little girl, the soundtrack to the 1993 film Rigoletto. I am listening to it right now for the first time in years.

My grandma was a saint, she was constantly ordering these movies from this company Feature Films for Families to give us something “wholesome to watch”. I think I heard here say,

“What goes in comes out.” So this was her way of remedying us of all the junk we watched on cable television. Some of the films were cheesy, some overly dramatic, but this one was my favorite.

“Rigoletto” seems to be a somewhat”Beauty and the Beast”-type story line. The music even at times sounds like the score from that classic Disney film. Plus Beauty and the Beast just happens to be my favorite. The tag line is…

“A musical fantasy ringing with truth and filled with mystery and love.”

You must watch it because I am not telling you anything else than what I have already told you.

This movie reminds me of how God usually finds us… broken, incomplete, unhappy, unloved, but He tends not to care. Where ever we are he does not care He just love us. This still amazes me.

And, it reminds me of my grandma. Our times spent together were precious. She loved this movie, saw that I loved this movie and gave me the soundtrack and encouraged me to sing no matter what.
She encouraged me in everything.

Oh my. Well, I have many things to do. This music just snuck it's way back into my life and I must say, I like it here.

Slow Your Breath Down...

Does He have all of me?

My mind is like a time bomb. The paths it wanders are dangerous. Some of those paths thrive in my mind, out of control like dandelions. The seeds scatter into my actions and into my words. It comes out of my mouth and effects all that I do. Sitting and thinking does not seem so serene anymore.

I cannot make any more excuses. I have to kill it. Those thoughts in my mind must die and be replaced with truth. So that…
Jesus is my every thought,
Love overcomes my actions,
And my words heal and restore.

I want everything that escapes me to be pure and good, to be of Him. Can I give that? Not without total surrender, because it is not me. The good in me is a gift from God. Jesus died to replace my rotten soul with new life. Sometimes the bad and the ugly seem to creep within, telling me my problems are bigger than God. I have to search for truth, otherwise my whole being rots and Jesus becomes of little consequence.

I beg of you, I pray that you do not let Satan enter in but sacrifice your life to the Living God.

“ON the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, ‘If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.’”
John 7:37, 38

Drinking an Ocean and Buying A Field [Jeremiah 32]

Imagine a father with a son. This boy is what is most precious to him. The father will have a set of rules for the good of his son. He tells his son, “Do not touch the hot stove, do not stick that marble up your nose, and do not run in the street.” To the boy it may sound like a list of “do not’s” to the father it is a list of love. The boy has all the freedom inside of these rules to live a happily unhindered life but he sees the rules as a fence that someday he wants to jump over. A cage he wants to get out of. What happens when he breaks one of these rules? He will get hurt. Even more he will have disobeyed his father. The father may at first be angry and might yell in the moment, but he is in agony. The boy did not trust his father but turned away in mistrust to rebel. But this is his child most precious to him. He will do all he can to comfort his son, to restore and make new. He rejoices over that boy despite what has been done against him.

God was to tear down Jerusalem to destroy it. The city and its people were to be handed over to the king of Babylon. His Chosen people, holy and dearly loved people. He was angry with his people because of their actions. They constantly were worshipping other gods, repeatedly the same sin over again and again. He found His people denying Him and disobeying His commandments.

Jeremiah was going to buy a field. Why? To restore Jerusalem
Jeremiah was simply obeying God’s command to Him to buy a field. Seems like a little thing but a good start in restoring a nation. God was angry but He rejoiced in loving the Israelites. He rejoiced over them in all of their sin, in all of their disobedience and all of their turning away from Him. He wanted to restore them and make them new.

I am Israel. I turn from God again and again, same thing over and over. I hurt Him over and over, disobeying the commands He has given me as His child. Because that is what I am His child. He restores me like a river running through me. I was drinking the water of oceans, He brings me fresh water and with it His healing hand. My guess is that this will not be the last time I drink of oceans, but God in His great Mercy, tears me down and apart, until I am all gone. He hands me to Babylon. Tears me away until all that is left of me is gone and He pours sweet fresh water to make me new. He claims a field for me.

“ Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security. I will bring Judah and Israel back from captivity and will rebuild them as they were before. I will cleanse them from all the sin they have committed against me and will forgive all their sins of rebellion against me. Then this city will bring me renown, joy, praise and honor before all nations on earth that hear of all the good things I do for it; and they will be in awe and will tremble at the abundant prosperity and peace I provide for it.”
Jeremiah 33:6-9

dwelling

I have been extremely desperate the past couple of months, desperate for what I had, each day being bathed in light. Now my days are a little dim. Dim because I am not faithful always to God, I do not give Him the time of day. That is harsh but a lot of my days end with me regretting not taking the time to just sit and listen. This is not good and I pray that my God will restore the brokenness.


My life is now mundane. Which is beautiful, that is where we learn the most, that is where God equips us. I was reminded of that on Sunday; our pastor is starting a new sermon series on the life of David. Praise God for it, because my principal at Capernwray Bible School did an entire lecture series on the life of David. This sermon series is no doubt a God given reminder. Right now though I have a lot of time to think, some may say too much time.


I was thinking about life, almost panicking in thought. Never do that. Never panic to yourself cause you do not get anywhere with it. Panicking because life is little but it seems like kind of a big deal and I want more of it.


When my heart yearns for something more… I tend to go to the world. What does my family have to offer? Where are my friends? Where do I find peace? What will give me comfort? What can I get?


Where do I take up residence?


The other night I was thinking where should I live, where should I go? I would much rather have my own room and my own space. I would much rather make my own time and my own schedule.


“Dwell in the house of the Lord”
Ummm this just popped into my head. As I was thinking, out of nowhere, these words just came, clear as day. Like I said before hardly any of my time had been dedicated to God in scripture or to Him. I was living in darkness. I felt like that is where I had to be, there was nowhere else for me to go.


He came into my darkness and said, “Hey! What’s up girl?! I know we have not been talking too much or at least you have not made yourself available to me but I am still here, I am always here.” Well He did not say that all He said was “Dwell in MY house” Hearing God speak to you after you have been ignoring Him is a scary thing; there really is no avoiding it. And He makes Himself known.


Out of nowhere, no prayer or anything, at least no prayer on my part, He brought His light and His conviction.


If I dwell in His house, His peace, His truth, His wisdom, His grace, it does not really matter where I am, where I am going, where I have been, what I am doing, what I have done, what I am going to do, who I am with, He will be there. There, here, everywhere.
I do not know if I can explain exactly the assurance this gives me or the slap in the face it felt like but I suppose this is the best I can do. Jesus did die on the cross so I would be saved from darkness, from hopelessness. Kind of a big deal. I feel like Peter a lot of the time; denying that I would ever disown Jesus, then doing it over and over and over again and weeping because I know exactly what I have done.


“I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”

I suppose you can live in any kind of house any town, just before you think about that kind of stuff think about some future heavenly dwelling. Live in the Light.
I’m done talking.

When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"

"Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."

Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?"

He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."
The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"

Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which

Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"
Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?")

When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"
Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."
John 21:15-22

Just because it makes me smile...

blurry

I see little beyond than what is today. Sure I have my plans, my meetings, my Sunday morning. I have got some stuff going on. God can totally flip my world in one second, within minutes He changed the plans for the rest of “my” year. Not to be morbid but I could die this very minute. I have little control over this life. He does give me a choice though. He gives me a lot of choices.

He gives me the choice to obey His commands, do I follow? Well yeah I want to. I really want to follow Him. With my life.

I am overwhelmed though.

I cannot see beyond today, beyond this minute. Do I let go of my worry, if we put a name to it I suppose that is what it is. Worry. Do I let go? Yeah, I want to cause it is sin. “Do not worry”
He makes the flowers more beautiful than I could ever dress and I worry about what is going on my back.
He sustains the life of a fly and I am worried about the life that is so called mine.
I do not have to worry, cause guess what, it is not about me. None of it.

It puts a big knot in my throat thinking about this life. So so so much world in so much hurt. And little ole Liz just putterin’ around cannot decide what to do with herself.

Jesus said the greatest commandment after loving Him was to love your neighbor.

Glenn Kaiser once said, “The most that you love the least of these is the most you love Jesus.”

Is my loving of those I dislike the most a portrait of my love for Jesus?

Do I show Jesus my love for Him in the way that I am loving others?

Nothing is more fulfilling to me than to a life full of Christ’s love. That is my hope, Christ.

I do not know if this song is about God or Jesus but the words seem to fit how He found me.

Flung into...

Memories seem to have a profound effect on people. They do on me. Some memories bring tears of joy, others bring tears of pain. I guess you can say I am a crier. Movies have brought me to tears, a word of encouragement, a photograph, a song, a friend’s face… all these things have evoked tears from my eyes but memories seem to be a theme lately in my life.

I went to my grandmother’s house for the second time after her death, the first time in almost seven months. As my mom and I drove to the house she asked me if I would be okay, I responded with a definite, dare I say assured “yes.” Of course I would be okay, I was strong. I had dealt with her death in a healthy way. I was assured…

Assured of where she is now…

Assured that all would be well as I stepped into the house, that the memories would not come, that because she would not be present no tears would come…

Not so assured, the memories came. I attempted to hold it back. “Do not look around yourself,” I told myself. “Do not think about it.”

My grandma had the perfect kitchen. The window above the kitchen sink overlooked her back yard and a wonderful deck where we would at times enjoy a meal. The window would open up, opened so we could yell out to those rough housing in the pool, or pass out a bowl of watermelon. The image of her squishy vein covered hand at the end of which were her well-self- manicured nails, she pushes open the window. Bam it came. The tears. Don’t walk through the kitchen.

I walk into the back room her bedroom, curled up on the bed I let it come, let it flow. Though, it did not all come. I look out the blind laden window, remembering the time sitting in that window peeking through the blinds to see my grandmother picking a switch off the tree to spank me because, yes you guessed it… I was a kid, imperfect, yes I know hard to imagine. Sometimes I would peek through the blinds hoping mom would get there sooner, why? Why did I ever think like that? I cannot even smell her anymore in that house, even in her room. It is all to clean.

Every part of that house, every little thing, yes it is just things, every little thing she left behind holds a memory. My mom lived in that house for fourteen years, my brother, sisters and I practically grew up there. That house, my grandma, were both constant in my life. The house is still here on this earth but it now, well almost, belongs to another family, no longer a constant. My grandma is no longer on this earth, she though, her actions, her words, her life, her love, will remain. Although she is now with her Father in heaven, her love continues on through her children, through her grandchildren, her church, her friends, every person she ever touched. God’s love flowed through this woman. She at times felt her inadequacy almost empower her but Jesus always conquered.

Her life exemplified Christ. Not all the time but she strived to seek her Savior’s face and to love others.


The little things that people do will have great effect on our lives. I could care less if the sweater I was wearing right now was my grandma’s but it is a comfort to me that I know who wore this and she was a great woman.

Memories are good so is the memorabilia but… look beyond that.

I should be pouring into people’s lives love and grace. This life is very short, very short. Like a grain of sand. I do not have much time to sit around consuming stuff but I should have time to love. Oh man, to love so much.

I should probably be doing more of that.

Thanks

This blog has been an outlet for me to share my exploding mind since I have been home from Capernwray. At Capernwray I always had someone to lay these thoughts on, someone to listen to my crazy. The past couple of weeks I have been aching to grow and continue to learn. Well, friends from England still are having their effect on me, with all their wisdom and insight reaching across the ocean and land to me. Thank you. Thank you for your love and your words of encouragement to continue in the light. You are the best of friends.

Writing love songs... not enough.

I am writing a love song.
A love song for Jesus.
My heart is breaking because I do not know if I can do it.
I am incapable of loving Him enough.
Truly, truly I will rejoice.
I will hope.
I will pray.
I will love others.
I will walk in truth.
I do not want the norm. I do not want to fall into life “as it is”.
As it is is not enough.
Radical. That is my Jesus.
Radical he loved, radical he prayed, radical he lived, radical he died.
Radical he lived.
Radical he lived.
He approached the leprous, the lame, the hurting, the broken, the rich, the poor, the deceived, the honored, the respected, the rejects, the women, the children.
As it is is not enough, at least not for me.

{picture: kenyan sunrise - props to Q}

Understood?

I am not skilled to understand
What God hath willed, what God hath planned;
I only know that at His right hand
Is One Who is my Savior!

These words were penned by Dora Greenwell in 1873. Dora was an English woman, a poet and a strong Christian. Part of her life she spent addicted to opium. She spent much of the rest her life comparing herself to her very close friend, submitting to her feelings of inadequacy and died still with feeling inadequate.

I have no doubt that this poem came out of those feelings of inadequacy and I feel as if I know her myself. I find that often I too compare myself to my friends and where they are at spiritually and socially and intellectually. Despite my feelings, despite what I may or may not be capable of I know one thing, and I completely agree with Ms. Greenwell, Jesus, the One who stands at the right hand of God is my Savior! I do not always understand what God’s will and plans are, I only know that when I stand in His presence I can say “I am yours” and mean it.

This blog is not meant for me to explain myself to the world or to explain the world to the world. But it is meant only for me to be honest with the world. I do not know what His plans are for me and that makes me crazy sometimes, but I want to live in the light. So I will be honest with you, I will not reveal all of myself to you because that would overwhelm any innocent bystander, but on most subjects I will give it to you straight. I will do my best to be transparent.

I am still figuring this out and I will be till the day I die.



[1 John 1:5-7]
This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.